Hugs From Joel

First let me say for the record that I am a pretty skeptical person and do not see signs everywhere nor believe in ghostly apparations. My general view is that when you die you have no further contact with this world.

That being said there are times when we can draw comfort and encouragement from things around us, and it may be that God in his infinite wisdom is placing those things there for just that purpose. I have a friend who sees humming birds and penny's and see's conformation of his Mother's well-being, I have another friend who repeatedly see's a pair of crows and reads that as an affirmation that his parents are all right.

My comfort and encouragement has come in the form of hugs from unexpected sources. My son was a great hugger, big and burley with the strength of two he would embrace you and squeeze you with a warmth and comfort that few can match. Over the last couple of weeks I have received two very special hugs.

On the first occasion I was waiting outside my church for a meeting with my pastor; standing about twenty feet away was two mothers who had just picked up their children. One of the children who appeared to be about two years old was waving to me and struggling to get down from her mother's arms. When the mother finally put her down she ran straight to me and raised her arms for me to pick her up. I did so and hugged her after which she struggled down and ran back to her mother, who shrugged her shoulders in such a way that I felt certain this was out of character for her daughter.

The second occasion happened in the check-out line at Wal-Mart. I had struck up a conversation with a three year old boy standing in the shopping cart in front of us in line, asking him questions about the dog he was buying food and biscuits for, asking him his name and his age, when suddenly unbidden he walked across the shopping cart and put his arms around me and laid his head on my chest. It was a brief moment but it brought back many memories of my son doing the same thing.

I don't really believe that Joel had a hand in sending these hugs my way, but if we accept that God is our Father and that he cares for us as a father would, it seems well within the realm of possibility that he would see my pain and communicate to me that all is well.

So to my Father in Heaven I want to say, thank you, message received, All is Truly Well. And if by chance this communication can go both ways would you mind giving Joel a hug for me, and squeeze him extra tight, that's the way he likes it.

A Letter To My Son

To say you left us to soon would be to imply there would be an acceptible time to leave us.
To say we miss you would not do justice to the way we feel.
Your presence fills every corner of our lives.
Your smile,
your laugh,
your joy,
your love surrounds us always.
Your presence in Heaven makes it that much more important to us that we get there.

Hug Papa for me, scratch floppy behind the ear and keep sending me the hugs*, they're very special to me.

Love Always
Pops
* I will explain the hugs in a seperate post

A Happy Post For A Change

I realize that my previous three post have not been full of sunshine so I thought it was time to make you laugh. I'm sure Joel was laughing that big booming hard to ignore laugh of his today when he looked down from Heaven and saw me being led around the showroom at the Harley Davidson store on 119.

I've been in there several times but this was the first time I found the courage to talk to a salesperson and show an interest in possibly purchasing a ride. The sticker prices are quite shocking to say the least. My first home as a married person was a house trailer that cost half as much as most of these bikes and had one and a half more restrooms.

I am planning to take a class when I can on riding so that I can be prepared when a bike in my price range becomes available or some kind rider once again hands me a key and says here take it for a ride for your son.

I'm pretty sure that when the day comes that I'm actually aboard a street bike, and cruising; the sun will be shining, cause my son will be smiling, and that boom you hear will not be thunder just a well deserved laugh from my buddy up in Heaven. But I'll hear something else in my head, I'll be hearing "way to go Pops, gun it for me so I can hear it rumble".

What a Difference a Year Makes

Today is March 2nd and one year ago, unbeknownst to me I had only 19 more days with my son. How different those 19 days would have been had he and I only known.

There were disagreements during those 29 days, some of which escalated much farther than they should have. I spent very little time with him, and he spent very little time with me. It didn’t seem to matter to either of us then that our time together was limited, after all we had the rest of our lives to be together. We just didn’t know how short the rest of our lives really was.

Did I hurt his feelings during those last few days? I’m sure I did.

Did I ignore his needs during those last few days? As much as always.

Did I take the time to tell him how very special he was? Not nearly enough I am sure.

So how much have things really changed over the last year?

Do I still hurt my loved ones feelings? More often than I should.

Do I ignore my loved ones needs? More often than I know.

Do I take the time to tell them how special they are to me? Not nearly enough.

I realize that I am better than I was but still a long way from being as good as I should be.

But one thing has definitely changed. I no longer live in the blissful ignorance of believing in something called “the rest of my life’. I am painfully aware that the breath I just took is all there really is of the rest of my life. Each intake of breath begins life anew. There is no way to make up for how I misspent my last breath of life, I can only look forward to how I am going to spend the next one, and the one after that.

This is the lesson I learned from my son. And the glorious hope is that when all of my next breaths here on Earth are ended, he and I can take back up where we left off and begin anew in a place where we can really explore something called “the rest of our lives”.